My mom has often mentioned that even if people don’t read En Route all the way through (because, let’s be honest, they can get pretty long), anyone who takes a glance can still tell exactly where my head is! They can feel my mental state in that moment just by what I’ve chosen to write about. En Route was meant to be a “travel journal” of the restaurants I've tried, the hotels I've stayed at, and the new friends I've met. But somehow, it’s evolved into my own personal online diary – one that I choose to share with those who know me best and stay connected by reading my words. So, brace yourselves – this week, you’ll definitely know exactly where my mind is. And that, my friends, is HOME.
Boy oh boy did I miss Charleston something awful this week. Why did I leave? “You had hit a plateau. You had been ‘wanting out’ for years,” a dear Charleston friend reminded me. Why did I sell all of my gorgeous furniture that I had thoughtfully collected for decades?! Another friend brought me back to life with “We all know you kept the ‘good’ stuff! Plus, this just means you get to buy more!” Are these feelings and questioning ‘regrets’ that I moved over? “Not at all! They are partly a ‘family hang-over'. Your mama just left. That always happens. And you definitely don’t ‘regret’ it. How could you? You’ve given yourself an experience of a lifetime. You’ve learned a ton, you’ve grown in ways you didn’t know you even needed to, you witnessed what you’re capable of … and what you won’t stand for, and because of all of that, you will never be the same again, AC. You couldn’t. You’ve blossomed. And how could you ever regret that?!” Other precious words from all of my wonderful friends here à Paris this past week.
I believe they’re all right. I needed to have left the United States in order to have learned new things, challenged myself, break free from recurring patterns, and, most importantly, gain a new perspective on my life – I needed to changer ma vie!! Almost like seeing it from a birds-eye-view, across the ocean – I can now remember how deeply I love that place called HOME, where my people are. It wasn’t by accident that I moved here and broke wide open. And (because as you all know, I don’t often say but) nothing lasts forever. So, we’ll see…
“Change happens when the pain of staying the same is greater than the pain of change itself.” - Tony Robbins (and a great reminder from my new dear friend, Kris, this week). I somehow knew this sentiment 22 months ago when I moved over. Because I needed change. And maybe, if I can’t shake this homesickness, that’s exactly what will happen again. A changement de ma vie!
That all said, it has been a wonderful week. Lots of thoughts, lots of reading, lots of writing, lots and lots of ah ha-s, lots of catching up with friends who have been on my mind, so lots of heart filled calls, texts, voice notes. And lots and lots of gratitude!
Here’s how it all started..
Saturday. I had an episode! I’m talkin, GET ME OUT OF HERE on the next flight kind of moment! I felt like I was drowning in embarrassment without a liferaft in arms reach. No one there to make me feel safe and secure. Just drawing. Flailing about gasping for air – code for holding back tears and feeling sharp reminders of so many times last year when I felt this exact way. Alone. In truth, that tiny moment was huge for me, and the way my week has unfolded so far has been eye-opening. It’s been about the events I’ve decided to focus on, the time I’ve spent alone with my thoughts, and the conversations I’ve had with God about where I am, what I truly want, and what my Morning Pages (yes, I’ve restarted The Artist’s Way – thank you for the nudge, Justine!!) have been reflecting. It’s all about the what-ifs, the what’s nexts, and the what do I want to dos.
What I do know, is that I am SICK of feeling like my big feelings should be smaller over here. I sometimes feel dimmer here than I would in the US and I think that’s exactly normal to feel this way when you live outside of our country. I feel less than here. Insignificant, not as smart, left out, judged, an outsider, the list goes on and on and on. I don’t know how people choose to withstand this type of emptiness / loneliness living away from their cultures for so long. I feel like I am often times having to convince people that I’m someone who is worth being patient for as I try my damndest to get the French words out (without saying the “&%$#!!!!!! Excuse my French” words that I definitely knew coming over here).
It hit me hard that day that I will never be at “home” here. I can create a home, of course. As my mama and I did last week – transforming my precious treehouse into my mini Charleston flat. I can visit the homes of others and feel at home when I do. Like I did on Saturday at Faustine’s new home (pre renovation. Ink still drying from the closing. Brand spankin new to her! SO exciting!), or Miranda’s gorgeous home (which you may remember best from my summer En Routes when I referred to it as “my paradise in the 15th”), and of course Justine’s precious cozy home, which I get to see often for tea and mini evening chats here on “our island”. But, even with all of these homes that I am welcomed to, I personally, will never fully feel at home here I don’t think. I will always be an American first (which I’m proud of at times and embarrassed of at other times given certain worldly events). I will always mess up saying 15 minutes when I mean to say 30 minutes (and without even knowing that I do). I will always have to hold back tears when I feel out of place (which is sadly more times than not depending on the people I’m with). And worst of all. I will just simply always be a little dimmer of an ACB over here than I am in the US of A, where I’m at my full lumination capacity. Where people know me, love seeing me, and who actually “look for me.”
This past weekend – adding salt directly to my homesick wound – my mama and Joe attended my dear friend (and my all through high school sweetheart) Bradley’s surprise 40th birthday party. My mother said that when she showed up at the party everyone came running over to her to ask “Is Annie here?” (what my hometime friends call me). She said they then, before she could answer, started looking over her shoulder to see if they saw me. They were looking for me. Ah!!! Home sweet home!
This was a reminder that I am loved so so much at HOME and that the feeling of missing your friends (even while making incredible new ones) and getting that rush when people are looking for you in the crowd, will never go away. Even if you do.
And all that said… as much as I am CLEARLY homesick, the upgrade this week was that I was surrounded by so many good new friendships – that I would have never known had I not had the hankering to changé ma vie.
I had planned for a week of nesting, hibernating, recharging, and strategizing about how to sort out my visa (which, by the way, is still unresolved, and at this point, I’ve stopped caring whether it goes through or not). I imagined reading all the books my mama left me, soaking in the joy of hosting in a space that finally feels like mine – my mini Charleston flat (which is what I’m calling it because it’s like a teeny-tiny version of my old home). But by Thursday at 4 p.m., my solo week had already turned into the complete opposite of what I had envisioned. It had been filled with people. I got to enjoy two full day dates with Kris, host Justine, Miranda, Cara, Leah, Ariel and (Ariel’s visiting friend) Lily, at my mini Charleston flat, steal a much-needed smooch from Jaci, and even have a serendipitous run-in on the street with my fellow islander and sweet friend, Cyril! What was supposed to be a week of solitude, where I could wallow in my homesick feelings, turned into a delightful seven days of friend-filled visits.
And that didn’t even count all the friends who I heard from! Blaise, Jane, Lindsay, Elise, and Caroline (who has invited me out to see her in her beautiful town of Metz for the weekend).
WE BE RICH!
I got a text from my mama this week with a photo of a Brooks & Dunn concert t-shirt that she plans to wear tonight at their concert in Charlotte. A shirt that we bought together back in 1995 when she took Miller and me to see them – our FIRST concert experience. That $35 t-shirt is now evidently worth $100. She let us know that by a text that was titled “we be rich!” I loved this because she has adapted a phrase I say all the time when I feel life is going good!
Months ago, when Nico, Miranda’s husband and probably more famous in En Route for being Margaux’s papa, had his first interview for the job he has now, I met them for beers to celebrate and excitedly exclaimed we rich! He laughed so hard that night and I’m sure thought to himself, this whack American – she says the craziest things and no even in good english! So, after my mom sent that text, I forwarded it to Nico and Miranda on our joint chain and initially received emoji laughter faces from Nico, followed by the sweetest sentiment that is obviously the undercurrent of what my silly we rich line is all about … “it’s a way of life, AC, it’s greater than yourself. I think of it everyday. It’s very profound.” His message warmed my heart to the nth degree. He got it! He understood all about the meaning: WE RICH!
And all the livelong week… I be RICH with my dates:
Monday was so much fun. I had always planned to see Kris at yoga, but our impromptu crêpe lunch at Breizh Café, near the Odeon, (since the Quai Branly was closed - silent sigh and visible eye roll. Why are all museums closed on the exact day you plan to go visit them? Queue Isn't’ It Ironic by Alanis Morsette right about NOW) was a very pleasant change-of-plans. After we digested all the yummy crêpes and dissected all of what we’re doing in life, what we need to do to get where we want to go, how we plan to do that, and when we think it all needs to happen (AKA: girl talk), we went on a joyride to find the perfect gift for her house hosts. She was en route that afternoon to the country where she was joining approximately 20ish or more hunters on a traditional horseback fox hunt. Kris! She's a Jill of all Trade, as I like to call my lady boss friends who can, and do, do anything / everything! She’s an expert equestrian, a fashion stylist working on top campaigns, a surfer, yogi, snorkeler, diver etc, home owner, world traveler, has visions of starting her own chic canned goods brand and jewelry line, is bilingual, a genuine friend, and a knockout! On top of all that, her energy is simply contagious! So to kick off my week with her? You better believe… I’m RICH..
First stop on our city hunt for the perfect country hunt host gift was to try on costume jewelry at Bijouterie fantaisie Désirs. Where we loved beaucoup, and got rien. Next, over to Astier de Villatte where she bought the funniest old school mirror, twirling doll, magnet magic-trick as a mini gift for her hosts, while I lathered my hands in that yummy balm that lives in front of their register at all times, and took a picture of their burning candle. Because, PSA!!!!! (queuing this time, Juicy, by The Notorious B.I.G.), If you don't know, now you know. You HAVE to let the full perimeter of the candle melt completely before extinguishing. That’s the number one rule for candles. If you don’t do this, you are literally wasting HOURS of aroma. HOURS I tell you. People often make the mistake of thinking they are “lengthening their candle’s life” by only lighting it for twenty minutes at a time – just shy of letting the full rim of the candle wax melt before they blow it out. Which is in fact wasting the candle. Because the second your candle has a divot like the one in the picture, it’s game over. You can’t get those HOURS back to burn. So note to self. Unless you plan to be at home for hours – enough time to let the wax melt in one complete solid pool, and yet you have the sensation to light something that smells great, you should strike a match to some palo santo and save that chic $$$ candle for when you have the time. You’re welcome! And, I’m off my soap box.
Then, we biked over to the best cake shop in town according to Kris, Le Maison Louis (I think). Mais, non! (insert another silent sigh here because) They were closed too. Dare I say, “Welcome to…” eeek, NO, I said in the last En Route that I was stopping saying that! So, as our luck would have it, Yann Couvreur was directly beside it, where she bought their signature cake in the shape of a wait for it… a fox! The VERY animal that she is going to the host’s house to hunt. Couldn’t have been more appropriate and perfect. We rich!
To conclude our afternoon flâner (a great word in French that means to stroll (in our case, bike) aimlessly), she took me to La Boulangerie Bruno Solques – my favorite place yet of this day! The owner, who’s name I’m blanking on right now, could NOT have been sweeter and happier to see Kris. She’s famous here. She bought me two huge slices of his nut, seed and dried fruit bread (that I devoured over the course of – hands over eyes so that I don’t see your judgement – 1.25 days). Feeling her enthusiasm, he cut us two slices of his chocolate brioche bread for “un petit goût” as a gift. We rich!
OH! And I am RICH because, buckle up… This is a good one!
As you can read from my beginning words above, I haven’t been feeling totally, shall we say, connected lately to Paris. So, as I’ve shared in a previous En Route, when I feel like this, I like to ask the Universe for something to surprise me – to make me remember that I am connected and can create anything in tandem with it if I’m in flow. Anything. So, earlier when Shane (our yoga teacher) said something obscure like “feel like your body is drinking from a trough” – I thought. That is the strangest thing I have ever heard! Then it hit me. AC! This was to wake you up! Do that! Ask the Universe for a strange thing today and see if you get it. So, I did. While upside down (lots of this class was upside down – felt amazing!) I thought of the weirdest animal I could think of. Ok, got it! Octopus. I thought this would never be a word I’d normally hear in Paris, so “God? Universe? If I’m connected with you, I need to hear the word octopus today.” I got so excited because I just knew it was going to happen! PS, you have to make what you ask for semi difficult (nothing is ”really” difficult for the Universe to deliver on, but you at least need to “challenge” it) in order to know it’s real when you receive the sign you’ve asked for.
So, to my happy surprise, some umpteen hours later, as we are biking up Rue Saint Jacques, I kid you not! Kris turns to me and says, “AC, before we leave each other, I want to point out one of my favorite buildings. It’s a school coming up on our left. There’s an OCTOPUS over the door.” hummmmmm whaaaaaaat?! Body went numb. Like the kind of numbness when you’re told you’re loved for the first time by your boyfriend. That kind of body numbing and yet simultaneously electrifying. I did it! I always do – when I’m in flow. I took a picture instantly for proof that this just happened. And didn’t utter a word to her that she was a part of it until I saw her again on Thursday. It was such a special moment. The Universe answered through one of my newest, dearest, friends now. We RICH!!
BIENVENUE CHEZ MOI
I hosted Miranda on Tuesday morning at my mini Charleston flat for some of that yummy bread that I lathered with Beurre D’Isigny and fried in my cast iron skillet for perfection for a mama to be (for the 2nd time). She managed to huff and puff her growing belly bump all the way to the top of my treehouse. Her strength amazes me. I think she must be growing a little Olympian in there!
The following morning, at 11am I opened my door to Cara, Leah, Ariel, and Ariel’s visiting friend, Lily, for viennoiserie (a spread of pastries) and a gab sesh. SO MUCH FUN. The conversations went all over the place. Everyone had me in stitches, yet Ariel kills me! And random enough almost got killed. Not really, but also, not fake. Here goes…
Ariel’s upstairs neighbor, here à Paris, poured water on her from her apartment window each time she would leave the building (WHA?!) and if you thought that was bad and psycho (because it 100% was!) you haven’t heard anything yet! Because since that wasn’t enough (!!!), the next thing this upstairs neighbor decided to plot was… are you ready? I’m talkin’ really ready? Like sitting down ready? She ummmmmmm threw rocks at her from above (WHAT IN THE WILD $#%& ARE WE DOING HERE?!). Ariel said that “one of the rocks (the one she finally handed over to the police) was this size.” She cradled her arms as if she was rocking a 6 month old to sleep. Are you KIDDING ME?! This crazy woman definitely had the intent to harm Ariel – or, let’s be real, she had the PSYCHO intent to kill. Terrifying! Happy to report, Ariel is safe and sound. Since she called the police many months ago it hasn’t happened again. She's back to being RICH!
The insane story reminded me of when a homeless woman broke into my (very unlocked – therefore she did no such thing as breaking in as much as just walked in) apartment during COVID.
Long story very short (although, have no fear, I do think there will be a lengthy story written about it one day by yours truly. Because ummmmmmmmmm it was the MOST insane moment of my life.) I went for a long 2 hour ish walk, I returned to my home to a homeless, pantless (you read that correctly), woman standing in my living room. She had eaten my delicious lentils that were on the stove, she had tried to run herself a bath, and she had sat on my beautiful chair. I bolted down my private exit the second we locked eyes and physically assaulted a business man across the street who was minding his own business walking past my flat. I grabbed his lapels like it was my job and shook him screaming “HELP.. call the police. There is someone in my apartment!” Later, my badass lawyer friend, Blaise, came to my rescue. She talked to the cops, had them arrest the woman, calmed me down, and – are you ready!? – deep cleaned my bathroom so that she could run me a shower while she was there. She made me feel so safe and protected. She turned on Frasier (my comfort food of shows) for me and told me that I didn’t have to turn it off at all that night if I didn’t want to. Then, she did the best thing in the world. She made me stay in my scary, just broken into, home. She told me I was not allowed to be a victim in this. I was allowed to be scared, I was allowed to look under my bed any time I wanted to be sure I was alone. I was allowed to belly sob in the shower while she was there to constantly come in and say, “I’m here - you’re safe”, I was allowed to tell people about this, but I was not allowed to give into the fear and run from this situation. It was just something scary. But it is over now. We rich! Best advice. Because I think if I had left that night, I would have never gone back. Ariel, I learned, did the same thing. Each night she came home after being harassed on the street when she left, would stay in her apartment. I felt proud of us for being strong women dealing with nightmares. To make them less scary.
Then, that afternoon, after they all left, I decided to go for a walk. When I left my apartment I took a right, which I never do! And what happened? I got a whistle and an “oooo lala,” Cyril! Rich!
Ok, so, to cap off the week, I ended it with two of my leading ladies, Kris and Jaci. Thursday morning I got a text while hurriedly scribbling my Morning Pages (haven’t missed a day yet!) to come meet them for a coffee at Café du Clown before our 11:30am class with Shane. I couldn’t have sped dressed quicker. I think I texted back “I’m en route.” It’s a 9 min bike ride and it was only 9:45am. So excited!
Arriving on the scene to a Beethoven sized pooch, I took a seat as we all jumped into conversation at a hare pace. No time to spare. We filled every last minute until it was time to pop over to yoga, then bop over to Ten Belles – where just the day before, Cara had brought us one of their cinnamon buns with sea salt to “taste” (we devoured), bike over to a jewelry spot that Kris had been itching to get to. Sidebar: Google map told us where it was and by the time we reached it, we learned that it had closed shop some 7 weeks ago! Can I say it now??? “Welcome to…” kidding! I said I wouldn’t do that anymore. (But for real, I will have you know that she sought out to visit the other location of this jewelry brand once we finished our visit at Quai Barley for the most spectacular Au Fil De L’Or (Through Gold) exhibit, only to find a handwritten note on the door that “we have decided to change the hours from 3:30pm (when Kris was there) to 4:15pm.” Ha! For real though…this time I think it’s fitting. Welcome to France!) And saw the busiest exhibit ever of the coolest golden dresses. Note to self and all of you. Don’t get fooled that a midday, midweek, visit to a museum will be quiet. That is actually the exact opposite. Because that is the exact time that all the children in all the land, followed by all the blue haired groups from every tour bus in a 5 mile radius are also planning to see it. GO another time!
Even though we sped through – it was incroyable! Just feast your eyes on this…
It has not only turned out to have been a great week! It has been a beautiful week as you can see below.
Last weekend rained. But before it did, we had a sunny Friday, where I was treated to one of the yummiest lunches in all the Paris land, at Café des Ministères – where Margot, Gabriel, Jean Luc, Simon and I, nearly licked all of our plates cleaned from the decadence of vol au vent and cassoulet, tarte au chocolat, caramel crème, and three bottles of yummy wines.
Tomorrow I am off to prune and pamper. Code for, have a spa day with Caroline in Metz. Stand by for details – all I know is that she mentioned a “body scrub” and a “hammam” would be involved. WE RICH!
Until next time. Here is me sipping my final chocolat chaud of the season from Carette early early this week when it was cool enough to still require gloves and a beanie, and yet sunny enough that you just knew spring was HERE!
Xxo ac
I always make it to the end 😉 cracking up reliving those apartment horror stories - so scary but glad we can laugh now!