WHAT HAPPENS BEFORE PART B?
AC'S BIRTHDAY PART-A!!
I had wanted to publish EN ROUTE every week this month, alas, now I know what it feels like to be the main attraction, the show on the road, the IT girl! Because lawd! I’ve been those EVERY NIGHT since my birthday extravaganza on Friday, February 7th. It’s been a happy, laughy, crashy, teary, enthusiastic-y, surpris-y, jam packed-y GOOD TIME. Proof below…
WHAT HAPPENS BEFORE PART B? PART-Aaaa
Three Fridays ago, on February 7, the spotlight was on and I was ready for the shine! I had invited 30 of my closest (newest) friends here in Paris to meet me at Le Bonbonnette. The soirée kicked off at 7 p.m., and soon after my arrival, and cute little minute with the full Charleston team from back home behind the bar – Patrick, Sammie, Will, and Stephan – my people started pouring in. By 8 p.m. the place was PACKED with Cara and Kiel, Emily, her brother and Quinton, Justine, Fanny, Ariel and her father, Miranda and Nico, Cyril and my twin, Caroline (we did it again! Dressed exactly alike!), Jaci, Simon, Selden and Thomas, Marshall and Panama, and Laura. I stayed busy fluttering about the place making introductions here, connections there, and perma-grinning everywhere!
When Jaci arrived, my all time (in tied first-place with Fanny) Parisian American Woman Crush, she said “I want what you’re drinking!” I teased “Then just take a big gulp of this excited air!” Shockingly (to no one who knows me well) I wasn’t drunk from wine – I was intoxicated by all the LOVE around me! Body electric.
We closed down the place by 1 a.m. and Laura, Caroline and I made the journey home in the freezing cold with flowers and gifts pouring out of my arms. On Rue de Rivoli Laura left us to make her way over to the 6th as Caroline and I faced the last final blocks in the bitter cold. We reached the tippy top of my treehouse building just in time to eeeeek wake everyone up from their REM sleep by cranking a chainsaw (not really but sounded as such) to blow up her mattress. We succeeded!
Highlight? Receiving this text the following day from my friend, Cara, “Can you have a birthday party EVERY week? That was the most fun!” – Hmmm, don’t tempt me with a good time, mama! You KNOW I will, avec plaisir!
WEEKEND
Saturday! One of my best. I woke Caroline up to a homemade French Press (my specialty since my days back in NYC when an electric drip coffee maker was out of the question due to the tiny countertop (who am I kidding? The void of a countertop in my studio)), and talked for HOURS. We were only interrupted by our stomachs grumbling for eggs! We needed an American breakfast to bring us back to life from our late night before. I went to change while Caro made a mad search via google maps to find us just the spot! Greenlight! Because by the time we walked into CLINT and sat at our cozy banquette, a cue began to stack up at the door. A LONG line of hungry people ready to instagram the heck out of their scramble and hash. We too made this into an HOURS long visit – taking up residence until we were kindly asked (thrice) to leave. We bounced around mattress to mattress after that – you read that right! We went mattress shopping for her new apartment at Emma – stopped in to La Labo to buy her more of “ac’s perfume,” as she refers to my signature scent of 13 years, Santal 33. Then, I went to take a needed recharge nap as Caro went to see the boodle, Margaux, and her mama, Miranda, before my birthday dinner celebration at Le Christine.
Dinner was super! BEST 5 course meal I think I’ve ever had. No joke. And the inside? It was exactly what I had wanted – flirty, yet classic – and bookended by my two favorite French American ladies. Perfection!
Sunday, after Caroline left me to bolt for the train station (she barely made it. 2 mins to spare!), I set out to celebrate my fellow February birthday boodle, Margaux. She had turned 2 on February 1st while her mama was in LA for the Grammys. Therefore, we were having her late birthday party this afternoon – family only (excuse me as I stop typing to brush my shoulders off). Her favorite American Auntie, ahem, moi, was the only friend to make the cut with the family.
She loves her “Auntie AC.” Her mama, daddy and I are on a group text and it is precious how many times per week they let me know “Margaux’s asking for her Auntie AC encore” with a video proof of her pleas. It makes my heart explode! This week, Nico, Margaux’s papa, sent me a screenshot of a note from her Creche with a specific sentence underlined: “Germ season is here. No kissing on the mouth when picking up your child.” His text followed: “Auntie AC!! – This is a call out to you! They added this in the newsletter AFTER you picked up Margaux a few weeks ago.” Ha! He thinks it’s hilarious how much I love a good mouth kiss from his Margaux boodle. Germs berms… bring on the bébé bouche!
GUESS WHO’S BACK… VIV!
Monday was a big day! Work started at Indagare for me again and Vivian was landing. Or at least, I think she was! It was 5pm as my last Zoom Call was wrapping up before I heard a peep. She was due in at noon – I had been worried sick. It was unlike her not to respond to my texts. I started spiraling… Why hadn’t I asked for her flight number? What if she needs me and I have no idea what’s going on? Why are her WhatsApps not going through? All of these questions were on repeat in my head until I heard a chime from my email. It was a message from V – “Bonjour! I’m here. Lost my phone. Meet me at L’Etna at 6 p.m.?” I started breathing again. Everything was fine!
Turns out, she had left her phone in an Uber the night before while she bounced from Super Bowl Party to Super Bowl Party – getting her American-fix in before hoping the pond. By the time she needed to start heading toward JFK she realized she didn’t have it. Stressful! Instead of cancelling her trip though, she decided to have another friend hire her a cab to get her to the airport before Air France was wheels up. She later, as a Producer Lady Boss would, found the Uber driver who had her phone, paid him to deliver it to her NYC office where she had a colleague overnight it to her here in France. She got it 3 full days (out of the 7 that she was here for) before she was America bound again.
Yes, if you’re wondering, she did love the time she wasn’t connected. Using a paper map, being cut off. Speaking of being cut off (ish) – I recently took my friend Fiona’s advice and went to grayscale on my I-phone. I needed to stop the nightly addiction of pretending that I was going to see just one thing on Instagram and then a full hour later catching myself STILL scrolling. Grayscale = boring scale. AKA: addiction to useless information and mindless video broken. It’s a (magnificent) buzzkill. Yay!
I followed instructions and met her at her favorite wine bar in Saint Germain des Prés, L’Etna. J’Obsessed! We caught up for hours over the best small plates and in between her flirty eyes with the ever so handsome bar owner. I’m wanting them to fall in love so that she moves here permanently! Tuesday, we roamed about all day until we found ourselves at Louise Carmen. Viv wanted to give me this for my birthday – the experience of custom building my own leather portfolio. She had seen this concept in another country recently and said that she immediately thought of moi since I love to write so much. Precious! We were lucky. We got the BEST, most patient girl in the shop to wait on us two indecisive women. It took dayssssss to decide exactly what we wanted. Ok, just 90 mins, but still! Others were bopping in and out in no time – we were like “let me see that one.” “Ooooo maybe I should do green, not black?” “Ah! I didn’t see that you have that size!” It was a lot and at the end of the day – we both walked out with custom leather journals with our initials embossed. Mine is green leather (she gets massaged nightly still – breaking her in so that she ages faster for that yummy old leather look!) with gold capital ACB on the outside cover so no one can mistake – she’s MINE. It was the best birthday gift!
BIRTHDAY BLISS
Wednesday, February 12, was my birthday and I announced it immediately to anyone who was in ear-shot!
I was taken out that morning by Miranda to Bar des Maillets where the second I walked in she yelled Happy Birthday and handed over THE most beautiful bouquet of tulips (my favorite). The waitress who seats me quite a bit there (Justine and Miranda meet me there often for fancy coffees) came over no less than 5 mins from delivering our drinks with a plate of mini cakes, and one lit candle as she sang joyeux anniversaire. PRECIOUS! She was so happy to be included on my special day. Made me feel so seen! A waitress remembers me here in this foreign country of mine? J’adore!
As I bounced back home I received a FaceTime from my pops at 6am EST. He looked so happy and started my day off with tons of smiles. They continued: Belle Miller, Rarrie, Miller, Jane and all of my colleagues. It was the best! At 6:30 p.m. sharp I pressed “end the call” on Zoom so that I could slip into my birthday suit (outfit) for my date: tight black dress, brand new Woolford tights, the tallest black heels I own, a vintage Gucci belt with a fish clasp (one of my all time favorite pieces), red nails, great grandmother’s fur, and a smile that wouldn’t quit!!
All dolled up, I stepped outside to a bouquet of 6 long stem red roses in the arms of Simon. We walked over the bridge until we hailed a cab to Le Servan. Before they let us in though, (strict, no one inside ‘until we say so’ policy), we went across the street to Bonsoir Bonsoir for a pre-dinner bourbon. You can take the girl out of the south but you can’t take the south out of the girl. Frogs adorned the bar strangely enough (and for some reason I loved it. And the restaurant? Italians and chic Americans adorned every table including ours. Simon is a want-to-be Italian (and cranked up the volume when our neighbor table of four bled green, white, and red), and moi? Only the chicest American in the joint! We had a ball! It was one of the best meals both of us have ever had. Lovely way to ring in my brand new year.
WHAT A DOOZY
The day after your birthday is simply the worst. Am I right? No one calls, the texts aren’t sent, the birthday songs aren’t sung, friends don’t show up as they would if it were your special day, the sun hides behind the clouds (because it’s sad too that it’s no longer your day), the exhaustion from the night before intensifies your grumpiness, and on top of all of that… the day after your birthday, in my experience… also means that NO ONE understands any of your French. A situation that made me belly-sob. All the reasons which aren’t true in the light of the day after… the day after my birthday… but are SO true the day after.
Why is that? Is it because subconsciously your birthday adds a layer of pressure that you don’t see and don’t feel until you DO see it and you DO feel it cease?
I found myself feeling so overwhelmed and sad this day. My confidence in speaking French plummeted – I even cried that morning when talking to a florist who was trying to deliver flowers to me from my pops. Flowers!!! How lovely! How wonderful! And since she couldn’t make sense of anything I was saying – Instead of feeling happy and treated. I felt defeated and discouraged. It was awful. I kept saying “j’apprend encore le français” (I am still learning French) and was being met with “désolé. Je ne comprends pas.” (sorry, I don’t understand) – THAT brought tears to my eyes that day and then kept them there throughout. What am I doing here? Sometimes I feel like I'm conquering my semester here on Earth like a badass. Like, I'm really taking a bite out of it and hacking the game of life. But other days, like the day after my birthday, I feel like I am just here. Struggling to fit in at every corner. I am wanting validation that I am doing great – yes, even from the florist – by anyone. But sometimes, that isn’t going to happen. And at the ripe old age of, now (sigh) 39, I should know better than to count on others to do that for me. I should put on my big girl pants, and be ok with … it’s my party and I can cry if I want to, damnit!
I hated this day. Add insult to injury, Vivian and I got twisted about where to meet at the Louvre – so I stood still for nearly an hour waiting outside. A stressful and dissatisfying situation for us both. But the silver .. and the blue, and the red, and the yellow and all the colors …. lining on this day, was the Louvre Couture exhibit. Wow! Upgrade! It was EVERYTHING once I left my outside post and stepped inside! WOW!
By that night, my mood was on a gradual upswing. I arrived at Ralph’s looking and feeling chic to meet one of my besties here in France, David. It felt so exactly right to meet there. Andrew, one of Ralph’s sons, is one of both of our dear friends and the reason we know one another. It only felt necessary to dine there we thought – completing the full circle. We had the best dinner – RRL Burger pour moi and a shared chocolate brownie as a birthday cake.
So, in conclusion, I have decided that I will hack the birthday blues next year and nip it in the bud before it comes on. I have already sent a google calendar invitation to a few of my best friends for February 13th – the day after my birthday. The title: CALL AC and tell her a joke.
Valentine’s Day was ever so shiny – the sun was out again! And disguising how frigid it was. I went outside in a jean jacket and sweater and immediately regretted my decision that I had foregone putting on a full fur and wool. Mai, c'est la vie. I was NOT about to climb Everest up to my treehouse for extra garments. I held it together and sped walked to La Pâtisserie before they ran out of the red Equinox cakes that I was determined to make as my contribution to the dinner party that night.
I worked until the 6 p.m. and then threw on my most Valentine’s-y dress and bee lined it to the subway for the 17th. Simon was hosting Vivian and me for dinner – where he made his famous potatoes and his new specialty Salt-Baked-Seabass. Before V arrived on the scene (night of France holiday so the roads were PACKED with people fleeing the city), Steve paid us a visit – longtime friend of Simon’s and a true gentleman to me. He only stayed for a glass of champagne from the beautiful bottle that he had brought. As he was heading out, Vivian entered with her hands full! She, the pro-yet-only-a-hobby-mixologist, came ready to prepare Manhattans for us as her contribution. Best I had ever had! We had a ball that night and stayed up talking (me, just listening mostly) about all that is happening in the US, over here en France, in China … you name it… we were (they were) there to solve it! And as they did, they forked nearly all of the cake until there was practically none left. Loved that!
NO SLEEP FOR THE WEARY
That’s what that week/weekend felt like anyway. Because after a few hours of shut eye – I’m talkin, maybe 4 – I popped up on Saturday, showered, made a quick little American style breakfast (half fried egg sandwich with ample butter and coffee) and then walked to Vivian’s practicing French the whole way. That night I had been invited to a dinner party with all French people and so the pressure was ON. I knew I would be wildly intimidated and wanted to approach it differently than I had in the past – go prepared! To no avail… I still became overwhelmed and therefore, mute. As the party grew larger, I shrunk smaller.
I ended up showing up first at this dinner party and had time with just the hosts, whom I love, and whom reaped the benefit of my studies that day. Because I was able to share with them (en français) why I decided to bring them granola as my thank you gift for hosting us. (Daniel Humm does this at 11 Madison Park and I think it is not only delicious but such a great way to ‘taste’ / remember the night before - the morning after.) Then, one by one French guests started to pour in and ACB’s personality started to pour out. I am not there yet! Big datapoint for me (again). I put myself in situations where I psych myself up and think I’ll be so comfortable and yet I’m not still. Not yet, anyway. I melt. I become silent, mute, insignificant, invisible. It’s a terrible feeling and one that I spent SO much Jackie O energy trying to spin to make sure everyone around me felt like I was comfortable even though I am dying inside with loneliness. I want so desperately to communicate and connect with people. I want my personality to come through in French — but each time, it feels like I’m failing at it.
I have shared this feeling with a few of my close friends here (both French and Americans) they have ALL said that this is normal. That they all feel this way every time (still even for my friends who have been living here for 20+ years) they are in a sea of non native-tounge-speakers to them. They call it ‘the drowning effect.’ Slowly you sink.
I Jackie O-ed my way through the night and sat up tall, held back the tears of feeling lonely and stayed quiet, even though everyone made all the effort in the world to speak English with me and were so kind. I just felt like I was an infant, and worse, a burden to have around. The irony is that right when I got in the cab, I couldn’t shut up in French! My cabbie listened to me for the 20+ mins he drove me home about how the night went, how sweet they were and how quiet and insecure I was, how I kept a smile on my face the entire time even though I wanted to melt into my seat and be transplanted on the street so that I could go home and feel cozy and comfortable. He identified with me and told me that I'm doing great! That I’m a very strong and brave person. He too had moved here 20 years ago and said that even still he feels that way sometimes when he wants to speak his native tongue and is amongst French speakers. Makes me wonder how I’ll do it. If I want to do it. And when I will feel like I’m finally in flow.
He watched me walk to my door that night – and waited for me to waive that I was in before he drove away – which I find so reassuring and kind. All of my cabbies and Uber drivers in the US did/do this for me too. It was lovely to see that that isn’t cultural, it’s international – men protecting women.
Sunday was met with burgers and martinis. Viv and I spent the day wandering about the city, popping into Dover Street Market, and soaking in that yummy sunshine! Then we found ourselves pulling up a chair, inviting Simon, and cozying up into a booth, to order the signature burger and martini at Ferdi. The consensus. It sounds way chicher and cooler than it was. We do not recommend it. It was all just fine. Save your calories and moola for Ralph’s – where this type of meal is where it’s at! We finished the night, and Viv’s trip, toasting over our dessert martinis at Hotel Costes, around the corner from the burger joint, and the perfect ending to a Sunday evening.
THIS WEEK’S UPDATE
Monday - Friday this week have been FULL of work, another birthday dinner with my precious Sara at Buvette, a lady date with Laura and Cara at Kong, solo coffees with Fanny, Justine, Miranda and Margaux, and the rest of the time R.E.S.T.I.N.G. I have been in crash mode this week – reminiscing about my beautiful week leading up to my big day and the week that followed with a best friend who visited. I am still dragging and not drinking this week so to give myself a little baby upgrade and an opportunity to stay in a place of peace as I did a very big thing a few days ago. I surrendered my USA Passport for renewal.
Since NOTHING is happening with my Visa (going on 7+ months — and insanity!), and my passport is 6 months away from expiration – which is the mandatory window of time for a renewal. I decided to get that done. This way if anything happens I will at least be free to come and go as I please on an American Passport. Before I did, I researched the heck out of the process, cried and stressed as any normal person would, especially living in a different country when attempting to do this, called the US Embassy, and then bravely walked myself over to La Poste (where I detest going! I hate hate hate it! No one is ever helpful with me there, they push me off to a self-service kiosk (which I hate with a capital HATE) and make me feel even more confused and stressed) and mailed off my passport. I know that all will be good – and that nothing can ultimately happen because I did all the right steps. But it was still an extremely emotional day for me. And an extremely lonely day. I sometimes wonder what on earth I’m doing here. Why do I keep fighting for this life to stay when it is so challenging at times and far from easy? I have great reasons most days – and then some, I have these days. Where I need that dose of Fanny telling me to “kiss your arm because you’re doing it, AC!” I need to remember that it takes a special, committed, determined, and confident person to choose to live this kind of life daily. I AM doing it. And (yet) I AM still questioning it.
It will get figured out. And until then, I promised Fanny that I will live in the moment. Even the messy, lonely, stressful, uncertain moments. I will like them too so that I’m not living for the “when this then that” mindset. This coming week I will have dinner with her and Justine – who I introduced on my birthday party night, and who fell in love with one another! Two of my favorites who are exactly the same in reverse of one another: Justine: American with French citizenship, and Fanny: French with American citizenship. Both living à Paris maintenant.
Until next week…
Xxo ac